"A Perfect read for the workday's end" - B2B Buzz
Follow our guest writer/account manager on his journey into social media
5/5/11
12.40pm
It's so funny when you keep seeing the same question coming up again and again...and again. 'How can we measure ROI on social media?' To me, that's like asking 'how can I measure ROI of me sitting on a sofa and watching football with a beer on my lap?' There's one way to stem this argument once and for all...Don't invest in it! Would someone please tell me what was wrong with phoning someone up out of the blue, reading off some spiel about what a nice day it was and then seeing if they'd be interested in buying whatever I happened to be selling at the time? 98% of the time the conversation would conveniently end there with maybe an odd expletive to overlook, and I could concentrate on the important things; like hitting the staff canteen before the 1pm queues started to form.
I now have to be on guard all the time. I have to be aware of what my customer is doing, otherwise they might get offended; or assume I don't care. Social media has turned my work life into another marriage...Thanks a lot social media!
Someone asked me to identify the key influencers on a specific hash tag today....Shoot me.
Forgive me for sounding old fashioned, but I intend to sit under a rock today and use the real love of my love, a telephone. At least that way I'll be first in line for the cottage pie at lunch time. Now there's a real return on investment. £3.95 for a belly full of goodness. Job done.
7/4/11
11.47am So I ended up looking like a bit of a grade A plonker the other day (which I know what you're thinking; must be very, very rare). There I was spouting off the usual spiel to some colleagues about how social media is nothing more than an irritable fad when all of a sudden I see some company specialising in the monitoring of that very thing getting bought out for lots and lots of millions. This was the closest social media has ever come to simply approaching me in the work place and punching me in the face.
What irks me about this deal the most, is that now no one will believe me when I say there is absolutely no value in entering twitter.com into a URL and worse still, I think my boss is seriously starting to think about jumping on the whole bandwagon. He even asked me how to sign up the other day, treating me as if I were some kind of expert on the subject, and he is now following me!...Which is fantastic, because all I can ever think to say on my feed is expletives aimed in the general direction of the stupid site anyway!
I'm now expected to 'engage' with customers online and build up knowledge on their views and opinions. I now know for example, that one of my customers is running the marathon...And they're dressing up as a giant bear for charity. Call me naive but I probably would've given them money regardless of the bear suit. I never quite understand why that extra step is necessary:
'Would you give me some money for a really worthwhile cause?'
"No mate sorry"
"I'm dressing up as a giant bear"
"Oh, ok. Here have my wallet"
There are some things you just shouldn't know about people. Next time I meet with them, all I'll be able to think about is Yogi and his picnic basket. What a great way to make a sale!
16/3/11
12.40pm Shall I tell you what really gets on my nerves about Twitter? Since when was it OK to call Rio Ferdinand or Charlie Sheen a social commentator? I am working to the bone everyday to make my posts enlightening and insightful for very little reward whilst these guys are raking in millions and millions of followers for sharing their experiences with hallucinogenic mushrooms and using sentences like 'luv iiiiiiiit.' Is the moral of the story here social media is productive so long as we all get geared up on crack cocaine or, take English words and quite literally shoot them in the kneecaps?
I would kill to have as many followers as the aforementioned Rio Ferdinand and he wastes each and every one of them by just talking absolute rubbish! Imagine having over 500,000 followers and not even using that opportunity to try and flog something! It's a sales person's goldmine trapped inside a footballer's brain. I keep getting told it's not about how many are following you, it's about who's following you. But surely it's all about playing the odds? If I'm selling to 500,000 people compared to 34, I'm likely to sell more no? I have no idea who my 34 followers are but none of them have asked me for anything yet, so I can only assume their ships have already sailed in terms of lead opportunity. It took a day for Charlie Sheen to reach over a million. It's taken me 6 months to hit 34; and when I enter the 40's I'm likely to feel a sense of achievement. You can fit more than 40 people on a fairly average sized bus...just to put that number into perspective.
So I guess to summarise my findings, I'd say to make it big on Twitter; to trend or attract any sort of attention at all, you need to either:
1) Go on a massive drug binge.
2) Know how to kick a football quite well
3) Be dead
All 3 feel fairly unattainable to me, so I will just continue to sell to my loyal contingent of 34. Perhaps one of them might say hello soon....
2/3/11
12.23pm Someone told me today that blogging was a dying art - which is great seeing as I'd only just got round to Googling Word Press! Cheers guys, thanks for waiting for me! If it is the case that blogging is to go the way of the Dodo then I suddenly feel very, very old. Because something has come and gone before I even had time to discover what the heck it was. I always thought blogging was a new, hip name for a 12 year old's diary, talking about nothing much in particular in a place where no one in particular ever particularly ventured to read it. But surprise surprise I hear all these do good businesses telling me they'd tapped into blogging and reaped the benefits. These are the same sort of businesses who used to bring in an apple to school for the teacher and do their homework on time...Goody goodies.
The reason for the death of the glorified 12 year old's diary you ask? Modern people are too lazy to venture anywhere over 140 characters. That's right, what you can't say in 140 letters (mixed up with stupid hashtags and @ symbols) isn't worth saying at all apparently. Social sites like Facebook and Twitter have made young people realise that writing actual words is a real drag. And you're still trying to tell me there's business value in social networking? The day I say 'lol' to a client is the day Mr Businessdeal turns in his grave.
And to top it all off an industry blogger believes that now is the best time for companies to start blogging. His words not mine: 'content will always be king and less blogs and more demand will be an inbound goldmine for companies willing to stick at it.' Needless to say I have removed this person from my life and cut all ties. The day blogging exits the English language I might even throw a little party at my desk. But there will be no Facebook event, or Linkedin invitation. No, it'll be me clutching a bottle of port blowing on a party blower and throwing around confetti supplied by my ripped up to do pile. And you can only come if you promise to say more than 140 words. LOL! ...
17/2/11
13.31pm I was just coming out of a really productive first meeting the other day when something occurred which infuriated me to my very miserable core. I handed my prospective client a business card only for them to smugly grin and say 'just add me on Twitter, it's better for the environment.' Of course I laughed like he'd just done the classic pie in the face routine (I will literally laugh at anything so long they sign!) but deep down I could not calm the urge to want to pull their trousers over their head.
Last time I checked, There are 30million cars on British roads; planes coughing out smoke to carry passengers a stone throw's distance and, according to Daily Mail figures, our very own government is taking a blow torch to the Arctic circle...So forgive me if I don't believe printing a couple of smart looking business cards is considered to be single handily destroying the environment. Who hands out a Twitter name? And more to the point, how do you discuss business propositions on Twitter?
I asked a colleague, a fresh out of university half wit who still appreciates the concept of 'popular music' and he informed me that the point of the trade was not to do business, it was an indication that I was now considered a connection and that business conversations and serious dialogue could stem from being in touch with the customer online. All this when he could've just taken my business card, at the cost of probably one tree twig...I'm off to do doughnuts in one of mother nature's field whilst smoking a cigar and setting fire to reusable shopping bags. If I'm going to be accused of destroying the environment I might as well do it properly!
27/01/2011
13:11pm If I see another article that begins with the words '10 ways to improve...' I think I might actually take a long drive off a short pier. If I had the time to read every single advice piece out there, I wouldn't need to read them at all because I'd be retired, playing golf everyday and probably clicking my fingers for a cocktail right about this time 7 days a week. Everyone says the same thing; I have to engage with people, I have to listen and respond, I have to take part in the community. I've lived next to my neighbours for 10 years and all I know about them is that they are obviously incapable of taking out their own bins. I couldn't tell you their names, their jobs, their pastimes. Does that sound like someone who wants to get involved in a community?
What exactly am I supposed to say? 'I'm looking to sell stuff, and I hear this will help so hi, and call me!' You see endless comments on blogs pretending to make a point whilst subtly trying to direct the reader to their website...Why can't I just post a link and have done with it?! It's rare that I can sit through an entire article these days anyway (blame mobile phones...they gave me the attention span of a scatty goldfish) so how can I accurately comment on everything I see. Someone told me in social media you have to give a lot to get a little. That's not how it's supposed to work! It's bad enough with marriage working that way, the last thing I need is for work to treat me the same as well.
But I tried the commenting malarkey; told someone they had a really good blog. You know the response? 'Thanks a lot, keep reading'...I took half an hour composing that comment and that's all I get in return?! Someone said 'hey, that's good, it's started a dialogue, it's your doorway to the community' to which I responded 'you like doorways? There's a nice one behind you...Please use it.'
19/01/2011
11:07 I read a piece from one of the 15million strong community of social media 'gurus' the other day who suggested that social media marketing had made us all 'entertainers.' In previous times you could sit behind your product and smoke a cigar after finding some C list celebrity to smile at a camera and say they use whatever they happened to be selling that day. Similarly you could make up any spiel you liked about what a customer was thinking because quite frankly you didn't know; and ignorance (+ a gin and tonic) is bliss in my book.
But now, with all of us trying to actively encourage people to personally take interest in what we're doing, with blog posts, Twitter updates and Facebook statuses etc, we can no longer just say 'buy this please' over and over again. Likewise, we can actually see what people are saying...Which is terrifying! It's like leaving a dinner party and hearing what everyone really thinks about you through a spy hole in the wall. I don't consider myself to be a great 'entertainer.' My best jokes were scuppered by the humour police in the late 90s when it was decided wisecracks about three nationalities walking into a bar were considered offensive. Since then I've survived off scraps from Christmas crackers and TV quiz shows but still look over my shoulder every time expecting to be tasered by an overzealous humour enforcer.
I don't like the concept of having to entertain, it sounds like far too much effort. If I wanted to entertain customers I would've got a job at Butlins. Apparently I should be updating my blog at least once a week with enlightening content. And I'm not allowed to plagiarise...How is that even possible?! This week’s blog title: Where the heck am I supposed to find some decent content? I bet nobody bothers to read it, let alone help. About as social as an ASBO the web is...
12/01/2011
1.31pm - Would somebody please explain to me the value of a retweet? If I was sat in a restaurant and I told you a funny joke, to which you instantly turned round to somebody else and shared it as you're own, I'd be pretty miffed off all things considered. Somebody told me retweeting was a good way of sharing insight and making connections. But what it actually is is stealing other people's thoughts and substituting them in for your own when you simply can't think of anything else to write. Half the time I don't even look at what I'm retweeting. It's amazing how quickly you can get bored of something. I only have 140 characters to read for crying out loud. I grow tired around the 40 mark.
There is just so much drivel out there it's untrue. I discovered that by following lots and lots of people my own number of followers increases. A lot of these cash scammers have automated systems to follow back instantly so I'm beating the muppets
These guys can't be interested in what I'm selling so why do they follow me? Even a spammer must get to their desk and assume they're being spammed when they keep seeing my endless thought process vomited out onto a web page. I hope that I have convinced at least one of them to rethink their existence and perhaps seek pastures new. If not, they're most likely signed up to the same irritating horoscope feeds as me so maybe they'll listen to Saturn and Jupiter too. Someone should, or they might get offended. Can't scoff at 3,090 followers though. I bet I can get it up to 10,000 by the end of the week if I keep just pushing the follow button. Shame none of the muppets will buy anything though...
06/01/2011
10.02am - Happy New Year one and all and to kickoff with an interesting statistic; a staggering 76 million photos were uploaded onto Facebook during New Years Day. I always find New Years Eve an unbearable let down first time round so why anyone would want to relieve it in action replays literally the very next day is beyond me. For any photographers who caught a snap of me on New Year’s Eve, you'd have seen a grumpy man sat in an arm chair, drinking a beer and wondering how Jools Holland manages to make it onto our television screens each and every year...
That said, I'm starting the working year with a bang as not only do I now have a soaring 17 Twitter followers (only 10 of which being spammers) I also took another leap ahead of the competition by finally Googling the website 'Linkedin'. Yes, publishing my personal life wasn't enough; Dwindling down everything I think into 130 publicly available characters wasn't enough. Now you can track my every work thought too! For a breakdown schedule of my estimated bathroom breaks please visit flushbook.com.
Somebody told me last year I should definitely be using Linkedin. They said 'any credible sales professional should be.' Yet, I seem to have told them my life story and still only completed a reported 40% of my profile. I'm now connected to everyone who I was already connected to on Facebook, but have a slightly more suitable profile picture and use words like 'monetise' a lot. On Facebook 'I love hanging out with my mates', on Linkedin I'm a 'good team player.' It's all poetic license really. I joined a few groups and began promoting my service, and within hours found myself blocked and deleted from pretty much every single one. For something I should be definitely using to help sell it doesn't seem to let me sell anything. I could've used the time I spent setting up my profile more constructively by standing out on the street yelling about what I do to random passers by. And I would have given that 100%, not 40!
Still, I'm determined to get my head around all this so I'm back on Twitter today telling everyone how bad this cup of tea is from the new French intern. And now I appear to be down to 16 followers. I was just saying Pierre...There's not even any sugar in it!
16/12/10
9.43am - Just had a meeting with head office who inform me that 2011 is to be the year we 'grasp' the social media opportunities that are now so openly available to us. I'm pretty sure it was exactly the same speech that graced the Christmas do last year, a week before it was announced that Facebook and Twitter had been blocked from the office because everyone was gossiping too much and playing online poker. Forgive me for being a bit naive on this front, but is it not a bit hard to exploit something when we can't even achieve step one of almost all successful implementations and actually access the bloody thing!
I learnt fairly early on that telling people we were 'social media friendly' was a similar concept to telling ex partners that you can't make catch up dinners because you're 'swamped at work.' It doesn't matter that you're not. It's just an appearance thing. Don't get me wrong, I like viral emails highlighting the '50 funniest road signs' or perhaps a funny image of Maradona in a tutu as much as the next guy but I really don't see any business opportunities within these areas. I started a Twitter account about 3 months ago and to this day I've Tweeted twice. One comment reads 'My first tweet is to inform you all that I'm making a lovely cup of tea....hmmmmm tea' and my second post says 'I think I may stop tweeting.' I have two followers: Someone telling me their 8 year old son is making $300 a day on Twitter and a fairly attractive Latvian lady informing me that her pictures on her personal site look even better! My wife wouldn't talk to me for days when she saw it because she thought it was a colleague!
I'm sceptical in other words that I will gain any value from being 'social media savvy.' That said I see 2,000 posts a day telling me I should stop being so ridiculous and seem to have at least 30 contacts desperate to show me the 'path to social media success.' So, for the benefits of science I am to sacrifice myself for every account manager out there and throw myself into the lions den to document my findings. As I write this I've just signed up to Twitter (again) and I'll be keeping the web world informed as to my findings and discoveries.
9.45am - The Latvians back with a new picture...Wife has called a lawyer...
9.50am - Distracted by an email from finance team who've photoshopped David Cameron into a Tutu.
10.am - Gone repping but have some reading materials to skim over on my return. Know almost nothing about the client I'm going to see but nothing like a bit of blagging to wake you up on a Monday! And a quick Google search tells me they had strong financial results in 2004. That should be a real ice breaker.
